So, I have a relatively new experience.  Being accused of something that I didn't do. I feel like I am constantly apologizing for the things that I actually do commit, it's an interesting turn to be apologizing for something that I didn't do. On the plus side, it's sure to keep me humble.  Or suicidal.  So now I'm stuck in a quandary.  To do or not to do. I thought that I was actually doing well, reading my Bible, praying, even writing in the thrice cursed journal.  Maybe that was my problem.  I felt safe too soon. All my abandonment, rejection and other issues have come flailing to the surface.  Maybe it's a good thing.  I don't need to love and trust.  It hurts too much when they decide that I'm not worth the effort and time.  I did hope that this time, someone would care enough to enter my world and stay there.  Oh well.  Such is life.  All of my shields are full and thick, and my defenses are locked and loaded. It's kind of ironic really.  I have so much love and compassion and such a desire to be a helper and love people.  And nowhere to put it into play.  I wish that I could have fixed things with my dad before he died.  Maybe if he and I would have talked iIwouldn't be so broken beyond redemption.